Ok so you’ve seen into your true nature as Awareness, why is everything still crappy, maybe even more crappy?
Our body+minds carry the potential to activate not just the trauma from our own lifetimes, but also ancestral traumas. Often these tendencies reiterate as similar (if not the same at core) traumas in this life as in the ancestral lives, until they are met and dissolved back into the Presence of Awareness. This idea of something dissolving is from the point of view of the limited self. It’s important to understand that Awareness itself, the I that we all share, has no possibility of having a preference about experience, it does not have preferences. There is no suffering in Awareness, simply the Greatest Love, meaning ultimate non-resistance. Phenomena like preferences and the experience of suffering are a feature of the limited perspective of the body+mind experience. It is characteristic of the nature of our minds to want to understand what is ineffable by imposing the same qualities of our limited experience onto the Ultimate. The mind says, ‘oh! it’s like me, just really really really biiig and just sort of more!’ hahaha!
When the mind really gets (accepts, receives, surrenders to) that it arises within and as Awareness, it becomes possible for thought+body phenomena like suffering to be Loved. This is often mistaken by our minds as an opinion: ‘oh nothing matters at all, its just one big uncaring field of blah blah, I am impervious to suffering, completely detached, nothing touches me. life is emptiness etc.’ No, life is really real, joy and suffering and the whole spectrum of experience are included. What’s at the core of this suffering bugbear is the concurrent abject terror and desire of the body+mind for obliteration. Our mind simultaneously desires immortality and annihilation. Oh this bittersweet life! It doesn’t occur to the limited perspective of the mind+body that its opinions / preferences do not occur to Awareness, they simply arise within and as Attention. You may fervently pray to your god that such and such an opinion be supported, but God supports, as in knows ALL OPINIONS. We perceive victorious outcomes of opinions as vindicated by the divine, victorious meaning: in agreement with our subjective preferences and opinions. The ‘I AM’ has no desire, it does not ‘disagree with’, it is not a thing, as in it is not a mind object. It is not a wish fulfilling genie. The Grace that comes from prayer for example is simply the experience of surrender.
In Presence, all suffering is received and allowed. Once this is seen, the body+mind (often referred to as ego) will co-opt this understanding and feel burdened that it has to be Ultimate Magnanimity (the mind+body always wants something to do). Of course this isn’t possible and it goes straight on the unworthy list. The unworthy list a long list of data that the self collects to support its belief it is unworthy and therefore ultimately unlovable. There can be a cycle of enormous illusory despair, ‘I can never be enlightened’ and its converse ecstatic delusion ‘I am enlightened’. This duality can well nigh slay the most ardent seeker. The nature of the mind+body is that it is a limited perspective, thus it can never ultimately Know, but it is Known.
Eventually the mind+body self becomes exhausted and surrenders. This is an enormous relief, we call these moments Grace. The Light of Understanding witnesses all suffering and trauma. The pain we experience is not the suffering thoughts and body experiences, but the resistance to them. It’s also actually ok that this happens. Awareness does not exist in time, and it is therefore impossible for the All to be impatient. Time is a phenomena of the experience of the limited perspective of the mind+body, and the mind is extremely impatient, it wants everything now. Every thing does arise in Now. This is the divine joke. Ultimate Love Attention is in the business of attending to every thing in eternity. Eternity meaning Now, hahaha. Of course things as in objects only seem to occur to a limited perspective.
In this way, when suffering, or more accurately the experience of resistance to suffering arises, the surrendered body+mind steps aside and lets the ‘really really biggest Love’ do the job. There can be a bit more of a snag on some arisings of suffering than others! We have this idea of the perception of weight after all, we judge experience as heavy or light, that’s just what we do, the mind is an activity of duality. In the Tao there is no weight, there is no suffering, there is no limited body+mind.
While mind+body selves believe in, are convinced by, their own (inherited) illusory sense of inherent separation, there will be resistance to suffering arising. Be careful! The isolated self perception will make all this into a goal, and there’s no winning in surrender. Surrender is just something that must happen, and so it does.
(I offer this essay as simply a comfort, from one limited body+mind to another.)
Here’s a clue to surrender: what name do you use to refer to yourself? It is I, this is the same name (in various languages) that we all use. There’s something in that, go find out.